I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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