Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
