Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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