Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
