worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
