My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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