Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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