I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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