you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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