How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
