im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
