Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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