I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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