I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
