if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
