It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wish my penis had a tongue
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
