I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
