I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
