This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
