Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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