she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
