if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
