I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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