those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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