Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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