I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
