Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
