You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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