He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
