I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
