My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
