basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
