I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What did we do last night that was yellow?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
