I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
