im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
