you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
