Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
