so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
