he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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