I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize