So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
