There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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