hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
