we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
