I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
