A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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