Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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