Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
