Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
