When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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