Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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