Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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