ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
