I wish my penis had an off switch
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
