did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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