he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
