I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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