Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
