my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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