i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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