it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
