I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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