I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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