Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
