I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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