Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
