do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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